Salsachica’s Ramblings

My grandfather was admitted on Sunday 26th October to NUH. He wasn’t able to breath, nor move his limbs. My grandma decided to call the ambulance. Since then my grandfather was placed in personal care service, when they found out that all his organs failed. He depended on oxygen 100%, he was still awake and concious and I got to see him and speak with him for a few minutes and he asked me to sit on his bed like I always do, I held his hand. Monday, he got to do dialysis because his fever had gone down. Midnight he was intubated, he wasn’t able to breath with the oxygen easily, so they stuck a tube into his mouth and said that without it he wouldnt be able to breath. He was moved to icu. He was sedated and uncounsious and can’t talk. And then they said he had tubercolosis, and had a tube draining blood from his mouth. My youngest uncle flew back from Qatar and got to see him. My 5th uncle’s boss came to visit, and immediately told my uncle who was in Bangkok to come back, and he paid for the ticket. He had only left for Thailand on monday morning and came back on tuesday afternoon with my other uncle. My aunt, my mum and my uncle along with my grandma decided that they didn’t want him to suffer and to have to depend on a machine to breath artificially. My dad  told them that if my grandpa had a fighting chance, why don’t they just let him. Moreover, the nurse refused to do it because of procedure. They decided to wait and talk to the doctors in the morning. The previous night we had stayed up at the icu. We went home that night with an uneasy feeling. 4am my aunt called me to tell me to be strong and said that my grandfather passed away 20 minutes ago. At 3am, his bp shot down, and then doctors tried to revive him for close to 30 mins. He then was pronounced dead. Wednesday morning, we went to buy flowers and the stuff for the funeral immediately. Made long wreathes from pandan and flowers, and then prayed beside him when he finally arrived at the house. My dad and my uncles and the funeral guy came to clean my grandfather, he was carried out to the hall by ariff and my uncles. We got to kiss him for one last time. I was so giddy by then as I knelt to kiss him, my leg started to cramped up when I wanted to get up and I almost fell on to his face, I turned my face and fainted into a tray of flowers. I was in pain, and mummy pulled me up and got me to sit down. As they covered his face for the last time, I couldnt stop crying. We burried him in the hot sun at about 3pm after waiting for the first funeral infront of my grandfather to finish. I was so whacked because we had a kenduri afterwards. I only went back at 12 that night, didn’t take my meds. Just cried myself to sleep. On 29th October 2008, my worst fears came through, my grandfather who I loved has passed away. We had come over on the 19th to hang out with him, and I bought him new pyjamas, shirts, pants and jeans to wear to dialysis. That night he asked whether we were going to bring him home. I should have realised something then when he said he had asked grandma to clean the house and give away his tools to my brother and my uncle. We talked about my childhood and how I grew up with only one grandfather and how much I loved him. And how my habits as an adult was influenced by being close to him as a kid where we would share a mug of sweet black coffee.  Maybe I’ll write it another day, the “Cream Cracker Conversation”.  Astaghfirullah, I miss him so much, it was his 40th day on Sunday and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I felt that if I wrote down what had transpired, I would feel better. But I don’t, on Eid Ul Adha, I waited for him to remind me to eat, and then I realise he wasn’t there.  I haven’t been able to stop crying or missing him. I know he loved me alot. And I can’t stop feeling so sad and depressed that he won’t be around anymore. I know he is in a better place, where he doesn’t have to feel the pain from dialysis or pain from all the tubes in his body.  I love you datuk. Inallilahi wa inallilahi rajiuun.